Otis Nixon Is Missing

(Source)- Authorities in Woodstock are searching for a former Atlanta Brave who left for a golf outing but never arrived. The Woodstock Police Department said 58-year-old Otis Nixon was last seen leaving his residence on Saturday morning in a gray 2011 Range Rover with a Georgia tag reading CFP9010. Authorities said he was wearing a black long sleeve shirt, black sweatpants and a black baseball cap with black Adidas shoes with white stripes.

Well has anyone tried looking on the nearest planet that can support life? Maybe Otis just went home. I’d say we need to Manhunt him but Otis Nixon ain’t a human. Get NASA or SETI on the case and we’ll find Otis by lunchtime. Dude arrived on this planet at the age of 140. He was sent here by his alien race to play baseball and do crack cocaine, even though the aliens messed up when they were creating his human disguise and they were just like “eh close enough. Otis Nixon was like the bootleg Jordans of human beings. And now he’s been summoned home to report on his findings. Which is really a shame, when you think about it. Absolutely no way Otis Nixon’s people can learn everything the need to know about the human race by studying a baseball player from the 80s and 90s. I mean can you imagine sending Otis or a member of the 86 Mets or something to represent humanity? Those aliens would be like what in the fuck is going on here? They’d be like “forget about it. Let’s move on to the next galaxy. These people do nothing but amphetamines, sex, and some sort of game running in circles. There’s no signs of intelligent life.”

For all we know Otis Nixon may have just saved planet Earth. He returned, showed everything he learned, and they’ve called off the full scale invasion.

Or maybe Otis Nixon hates golf and just wanted to do some drugs and he’ll turn up in a couple days when this binge is over. Prayers up for the ET Otis.